out on the table

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TW // eating disorders, anorexia nervosa, binge eating This game simulates what it is like to eat a meal with others while dealing with an eating disorder, specifically anorexia nervosa. It also contains simulations of intrusive thoughts. If this makes you, the player, uncomfortable, or you fear this may trigger you, please do not feel obligated to play through this game. Otherwise, feel free to [[begin->beginning]] this game.

Jenny is the birthday girl! You two are decent friends, but you enjoy her in "small doses." She can be a bit bratty sometimes, but you really do love and care about her at the end of the day.

Mark is Jenny's boyfriend and a good friend of yours. He's rather introverted and awkward, but you still get along with him very well.

Ella is a good friends of yours. She is in the gardening club with you. She is very kind and sweet, and she's one of your favorite people to talk with.

Chelsea is a very close friends of yours! She is one of your best and closest friends, and she really feels like a sister you never had. She can be a bit of a downer, but she's almost always a fun time.

Aran is an acquiantance of yours. He's a very close friend of Jenny, though. They had a fling a while back, but they've worked past any issues related to it and are just friends now.

Tonight is your close friend Jenny's birthday! You and a few friends are celebrating with her at her favorite restaurant. You just sat down with them at the table. There is yourself, [[Jenny]], [[Mark]], [[Ella]], [[Chelsea]], and [[Aran]]. You've been really stressed lately, but you've been looking forward to this night for a while. You just know it's gonna be a fun night of hanging out with friends and enjoying yourself. At least, you hope it will. With being stressed, you've been neglecting your health and avoiding eating. While chatting with friends, your waiter comes by to take your drink orders. (if:(history: where its name contains "tea")'s length is 0)[Tell him [[water]]. Tell him [[tea]]. Tell him [[soda]].] (if:(history: where its name contains "tea")'s length is 1)[Tell him [[water]]. Tell him [[soda]].]

You tell the waiter you want a water. This is probably the best and safest choice for you. There's not calories, so you won't feel guilty about it later. Plus, it'll help keep you hydrated. You're the only one at the table who orders water, though. "I swear, you //always// get water," Ella jokes. "Why is that?" She didn't intend any malice by saying this, but now you feel under interrogation. You can feel everyone's eyes searing into you, waiting for an explanation. (if:(history: where its name contains "\"I have an eating disorder.\"")'s length is 0)[ [["Just trying to stay healthy and hydrated!"]] [["Oh, well, I just like the taste of it!"]] [["I have an eating disorder."]]] (if:(history: where its name contains "\"I have an eating disorder.\"")'s length is 1)[ [["Just trying to stay healthy and hydrated!"]] [["Oh, well, I just like the taste of it!"]]]

"We've only got unsweet tea right now. Is that alright?" You hate unsweet tea. That stuff is nasty. You'll just have to [[pick something else->beginning]].

Your answer feels like a gut-punch when it slides off your tongue. You know you should pick a healthier option, but you want to treat yourself just this one time. You drink water all the time. //What if this one slip throws you off for who knows how long? You've come so far, and now you're going to let your weakness ruin your entire journey.// You want to change your order, but you can't do it. It's a compulsive, anxiety-riddled urge that can only be satiated by something so sickeningly sweet and calorically dense as soda. Your satisfaction can never be without guilt. In your flurry of thoughts, you completely missed half of the [[current conversation]].

"Ah, I get that!" Mark replies. "I've been trying to watch my fitness, too." His nonchalant response calms your nerves. He'll never understand you fully, but the sentiment is nice. //Why does Mark need to watch his fitness, though? He's already at a decent weight. If you were him, you'd be more than happy with your figure.// While he's got a decent figure, he got the taste palette of a five-year-old (though that may be an insult to the five-year-old). He eats nothing but chicken nuggets, pizza, fries, burgers, hot dogs, and the like. Sometimes, you think that if you had a more restricted palette like him, you wouldn't always eat so much. You know it's such an irrational jealousy, but you can't help but envy him at times. Oh, wait. Damn it. You've missed half the [[current conversation]].

That was a lie. That was a lie, and you know it. They don't know that, though. "Good on you!" Aran replies. "I've never liked the taste of water. I've always got to have a soda or tea." //That's not hard to tell. You're lucky you'll never end up as big as Aran. You never, ever want to end up like him.// Sometimes, you are a little jealous of him, though. Yes, he has an equally unhealthy relationship with food, but he doesn't worry about calories or gaining weight every minute of every day. He just eats. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants. It must feel so freeing. You wonder if that's how all your friends feel with food. None of them ever seem to worry about their diets. They must all just eat whatever, whenever, with no feelings of guilt or resentment or anxiety or fear or jealousy or envy or- Shit. You've missed half the [[current conversation]].

You could never tell them this. They can't know. You don't want them to know. If they knew, they'd just try to help, and you don't need anyone's help. [[You have to tell them something else.->water]]

"I cannot believe your professor does that! Three days to work on fifteen assignments? SO MESSED UP!" You know what they're talking about. Chelsea has a professor who assigns her class a ton of assignments to do over the weekend, and of course, Ella is being her usual bubbly, reassuring self. "Not to derail the conversation," Aran interjected, "but would you guys maybe want to get an appetizer? Perhaps mozzerella sticks...?" He gives everyone at the table his usual please-say-yes-to-the-appetizer-so-I-don't-look-fat look. Sometimes, you wonder if he's trying to make you fat. While you do love mozzerella sticks, they're so high in calories. Maybe one wouldn't hurt, though...would it? Everyone else at the table agrees to get them. Then, they all look at you for your answer. [[Sure! Mozzerella sticks sound good.]] [[I'm gonna skip on the appetizers tonight.->no apps]]

When your waiter gets back with drinks, Aran orders the mozzerella sticks for the table. Chelsea then chimes in that she'll get an order, too. After the waiter leaves, Chelsea remarks that she wanted to get another order to make sure everyone gets some. //Great.// Not long after the order is placed, it comes out to your table. As soon as you see them, you change your mind on eating them. Something about them fills you with such dread and guilt, even though you haven't even touched one yet. Everyone else immediately grabs one and begins to eat. You're the only one who abstains. "I thought you wanted some?" Jenny asks you. [["Oh, umm...I changed my mind."->no apps]]

"Are you sure?" Jenny asks. She's visibly a little concerned. Everyone at the table, save for Ella, knows you've struggled with eating in the past, but Jenny seems to be the only one who really ever cares. Her eyes meet yours. They're full of worry. You want nothing more than to tell her how scared you are to eat sometimes; or how painful it is to see everyone enjoying their food without a care in the world; or how, every now and then, you binge for hours, fueled by compulsion and a craving for satiation; or how you wish you could so strong and ''normal'' like her. [["I'm fine," you lie. You lie through gritted, smiling teeth. "I promise."->I'm fine.]]

Her worried eyes cut through you. You can't tell her, though. She's too perfect. She would never understand. "Alright. I trust you." Her voice is sharp, and there's a pain in her tone. Mark gives her a look. He knows she's upset. You know she's upset. Everyone else probably knows she's upset. There's an unavoidable tension at the table now. Aran and Chelsea have figured out that something is up. Ella seems to be a bit confused, but she can clearly tell that something is off. You know you have to throw her off your trail. You were just going to get a salad tonight, but now you'll at least get something like pasta or a sandwich. Just something to keep her or anyone else from feeling like they have to intervene. Perfect timing, the waiter just came back to get your entrée orders. What do you want to get? [[Pizza.]] [[Pasta.->PS 1]] [[Burger and fries.]]

You order first, and you order a pizza. Once the waiter takes everyone's orders and leaves, you can tell this was enough to keep everyone from worrying about you. As much as you hated it in the moment, it was kinda nice to have someone care about you. It was nice that they acknowledged that something was wrong. Most people never do. You all begin to talk again, and you have some really nice conversations. Mark got a new job at the best local coffee shop. Aran is joining a fraternity on campus. Chelsea is going on a dinner date next Tuesday. Ella is going to be taking on a leadership position in the gardening club. Jenny, of course, is celebrating her 21st birthday and finally being able to legally drink. You're beginning volunteer work and joining more organizations on campus. It seems like everything is going really good for everyone. Something in you feels inferior, though. Why? Heck if you know. You're all doing such great, //different// things, but somehow, yours feel so miniscule to everyone else's. Before you can dwell on the thoughts any longer, [[the waiter brings out everyone's entrées.->PZ 1]]

You order first, and you order a burger and fries. Once the waiter takes everyone's orders and leaves, you can tell this was enough to keep everyone from worrying about you. As much as you hated it in the moment, it was kinda nice to have someone care about you. It was nice that they acknowledged that something was wrong. Most people never do. You all begin to talk again, and you have some really nice conversations. Mark got a new job at the best local coffee shop. Aran is joining a fraternity on campus. Chelsea is going on a dinner date next Tuesday. Ella is going to be taking on a leadership position in the gardening club. Jenny, of course, is celebrating her 21st birthday and finally being able to legally drink. You're beginning volunteer work and joining more organizations on campus. It seems like everything is going really good for everyone. Something in you feels inferior, though. Why? Heck if you know. You're all doing such great, //different// things, but somehow, yours feel so miniscule to everyone else's. Before you can dwell on the thoughts any longer, [[the waiter brings out everyone's entrées.->BF 1]]

Once all the food is set out, you dig into your food. This restaurant is known for their great pizzas, and this one is no exception. You start out just with one slice. It's nowhere near enough to fill you up. [[Continue eating.->PZ 2]] [[Stop eating.->PZ 1 end]]

"Sorry," the waiter exclaims, "we're, uh, all out of pasta." //How the hell does a restaurant run out of pasta? Whatever, you can just get something else. You didn't need all those carbs anyways.// "Could I interest you in something else?" [[Pizza.]] [[Burger and fries.]]

As much as you want to eat more, you just can't. You can't make yourself do it. You just sit there, looking at your food and engaging in conversation from time to time. At first, no one realizes you're not eating. They're all too busy eating their own food and chatting that they don't notice you've stopped eating It doesn't take long for someone to notice it, though. While he doesn't say anything, Mark looks down at your plate, back up to you, and back down to your plate. He lets out a little sigh, but he doesn't let anyone know that he's noticed. [[Ten minutes pass...]]

You decide that it's better to stop where you are. At first, no one really pays attention. They're all too busy eating their own food and chatting that they don't notice you've stopped eating It doesn't take long for someone to notice it, though. While he doesn't say anything, Mark looks down at your plate, back up to you, and back down to your plate. He lets out a little sigh, but he doesn't let anyone know that he's noticed. [[Ten minutes pass...]]

"Are you not going to finish your food?" Ella asks you. There's a tinge of concern in her voice, but it's almost completely masked by genuine curiosity. You wish everyone was so blissfully ignorant as she is. No one else is paying attention. They're all lost in their own conversations. It doesn't feel so much like an interrogation, but you're still just as nervous. (if:(history: where its name contains "ED mention 2")'s length is 0)[ [["I just don't feel that great. I promise I'm alright, though!->feel bad]] [["I have an eating disorder."->ED mention 2]]] (if:(history: where its name contains "ED mention 2")'s length >= 1)[ [["I just don't feel that great. I promise I'm alright, though!->feel bad]]]

(if:(history: where its name contains "\"I have an eating disorder.\"")'s length >= 1)[//Come on. We've been over this already.//] You could never tell them this. They can't know. You don't want them to know. If they knew, they'd just try to help, and you don't need anyone's help. [[You have to tell them something else.->Ten minutes pass...]]

"I'm just gonna take it to-go instead," you tell Ella. "I'll probably eat it later!" That was a lie. That was a lie, and you know it. It's like everything you say when someone asks you about food or if you're alright or if you've actually eaten today or- You're lost in thought again. You need to snap back to reality. Your group chats until the waiter brings out the checks. While Jenny did get a birthday dessert, she asked the staff to just get it to-go as it was getting rather late. Finally, you all get up to leave. Your group migrates to the door and [[steps outside the restaurant->begin end 1]]

You all hug and say your goodbyes. While you do all go to the same college, you don't get to see each other much. As everyone is leaving, Chelsea asks you to hang back, and she tells Aran to go on to the car. [["This will only take a second!" she tells him.]]

You can feel her eyes cut through your soul. She knows you lied. "Alright. I trust you. Take care of yourself." It crushes you to lie to her when she's so obviously worried. Of all people, Chelsea would probably understand you most. It hurts so bad to know you lied to her when she understands you. It hurts because you know she's felt your pain before, and she doesn't want you to suffer like she did. There was no way you could tell her, though. It has to stay as your secret. She walks away and leaves, and you get in your car and drive back to your [[apartment]].

Once all the food is set out, you dig into your food. This restaurant is known for their great burgers, and this one is no exception. You start out just with just a few bites of the burger and a few fries. It's nowhere near enough to fill you up. [[Continue eating.->BF 2]]

You continue to eat your meal while chatting with your friends still. After a few bites, your eating becomes mindless. You just can't stop eating. This is the first time in a while you've had a nice, filling meal. Plus, you starved yourself all day for this. [[You might as well eat the whole thing.->BF 3]]

You finish your whole meal. In a way, you're proud of yourself. This is the first time you've eaten everything on your plate in a week. You aren't completely satisfied, though. You want more. There's an indescribable, ravenous, unsatisfiable feeling gnawing at your mind and stomach. It's so all-consuming, but you know you have to snap back to reality. Your group chats until the waiter brings out the checks. While Jenny did get a birthday dessert, she asked the staff to just get it to-go as it was getting rather late. Finally, you all get up to leave. Your group migrates to the door and [[steps outside the restaurant->begin end 3]]

You all hug and say your goodbyes. While you do all go to the same college, you don't get to see each other much. Everyone goes their separate ways. Thankfully, no one tried to talk to you before you left. They would ask if you were //actually// okay, and you would, of course, have to lie and tell them that you were. That feeling from earlier is still eating away at you. [[You're still hungry.]]

You drive back to your apartment and step inside. You step into the kitchen. You look to the [[pantry]] and the [[fridge]].

You walk over to inspect the pantry. It's full of snacks. The sight of them all lights up your brain like a carnival. Your mouth waters, and you can do nothing but [[gorge on all of it]].

You walk over to inspect the fridge. There's a ton of food in here, but most of it requires some preparation or actually cooking to eat. You're really hungry, though. Maybe you should look in the [[pantry]]... (after:10s)[//Hey! Snap out of it. You know you don't need to eat anymore. If you do, you're just going to binge.// You close the fridge and trudge to your room. It's been a long day. Just go to bed.]

When you get into your apartment, you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. You don't want anyone to worry about you, but you feel so guilty knowing you did that today //and// knowing you lied so much. You slip into your room and lie on the bed. All the thoughts in your head finally get to you. //Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you eat normally? Why do you have to be so weak? Why can't you let anyone worry or care about you? Why do you have to lie about being okay?// It's so much. The thoughts hang heavy in your heart. You know you can't do anything, though. It's been a long day. Just go to bed.

You can't believe yourself. You binged. [[//Why are you so weak?//]]

It's only the two of you now. "Are you okay? Like actually okay, and don't give me a bullshit answer like you did earlier. Please be honest with me." You know you can't tell her the truth, so you do give her another bullshit answer like you did earlier. [["I'm okay! I promise!"]]

//Why can't you just be normal? Why can't you eat normally? Why do you have to be so weak? Why can't you let anyone worry or care about you? Why do you have to lie about being okay?// The thoughts hang heavy in your heart. You know you can't do anything, though. It's been a long day. Just go to bed.